Left Behind
by oceanofmymind
Summary: Its been 13 years since Remus has been able to look at, or even think of the man he loves without an overwhelming sense of guilt. Now he is angry and heartbroken and betrayed and in so much love with Sirius Black. If only Sirius would wake up. ficlet, second chapter will likely be a sequel


Disclaimer: The wonderful world of harry potter does not belong to me. Nor do any of the characters... sadly

A tired voice, cracked and hoarse from lack of use cut through the silence of the white room.

"I was alone, Sirius. I was the last one left for 12 years.'

Remus Lupin or 'Moony' of the marauders hardly dared breathe as he stared down at the prone form of his once best friend and lover. And as he spoke his voice trembled.

'When I heard, God, when I heard, my first thought was 'They've got Sirius, what did they do to Sirius' because what, I thought, what could they possibly have done to you to make you speak? Jesus, Pads, I was terrified that you'd gone and left me too, and it'd just be me and that dratted Wormy. Because I thought it had been you, you who was the secret keeper, you who was the target. And it was you who let me believe that, you did what I thought you would never do, Sirius. I even can't seem to be anything but resigned that you stopped trusting me. It was bound to happen eventually, because who,' his voice was bitter now, 'who trusts a werewolf…"

He trailed off and let his head fall forwards to conceal his tears from spectators that weren't there.

"I wasn't even in the country when it happened. I was on a mission for Albus, trying to stop the other 'wolves' from joining Him. Trying to forget that my first and only friends didn't trust me anymore.

Then when I picked up the Prophet as soon as I reached England and all I could think was that 20 muggle witnesses saw you blow Peter bloody Pettigrew to pieces. Do you have any idea what that felt like? Any idea how betrayed I was? I was going to go and find you, save you from the big bad death eaters, until I find out that apparently you were one of them all along.

What the bloody hell was I supposed to think, Sirius. Oh no he couldn't've, they must have switched secret keepers and it was Peter who betrayed everyone. Of course it makes sense that Peter blew himself to pieces with magic we didn't even know he could do; in front of 20 impartial witnesses! Witnesses who all swore up and down that it was you!'

Remus was shouting now, his hoarse voice ricochetting off the walls. He stopped and stared into the distance, before shifting his gaze back onto Sirius. His gaze was almost tender, and laden with heavy guilt. He continued wearily.

"And now you're here, and innocent, and I'm left wondering how I fucking missed it and wondering if I'm having a particularly cruel dream, because the man I have fucking loved for over 20 years is not a traitor, not a death eater, not even guilty. And I left him to rot in Azkaban for 12 years, and its all my fault… all my fault…"

His voice grew quiet as he suddenly had to fight back tears, and his brown eyes flickered away from him.

"I should have seen, I should have known, I should never have trusted them over you… forgive me Sirius, but please, please wake up. I'm so sorry… so sorry but Siri please wake up… "

Remus' voice had gotten softer and softer as he pleaded, and as he petered off, he swayed slightly towards the haggard man sleeping in the pristine sheets of the hospital bed. The clinical edges and hard whites of the room contrasted with the calloused, scarred and tattooed brown skin of Sirius Black. Remus thought idly to himself that his beautiful Sirius did not belong in such a stark place, and then thought viciously that he hadn't been _his Sirius_ for a long time.

The werewolf swayed again until he collapsed into the rickety chair placed by the man's bedside. They were in a private room of St. Mungo's Wizarding Hospital where Sirius Black, former convict of Azkaban, now cleared of all charges was recovering from the effects of the dementors. It was a long path back to full mental and magical abilities, and the young man had been almost insane when he was first acquitted. Two days after admittance to the hospital, Black had fallen into a stress-induced coma, and the healers had deemed it best to allow him to wake in his own time. That had been almost a month ago, and this was the first time Remus had had the courage to speak, but he had visited every day. Sirius still hadn't awoken.

Remus felt like crying.


End file.
